We're All in This Together, so Let's Leave the Judgment Behind

Those with a healthy body image, (i.e. those who don’t define their worth by their appearance and therefore don’t view food as the gateway to their self-worth) can approach diets and nutrition from a scientific and data-driven perspective without losing their shit. They look at their choices objectively.

Me and one of my best friends - supporting as all hell of eachother's successes and struggles alike.

Those of us who struggle or who have struggled to separate our worth from our appearance usually have an emotional attachment to our food choices.

For example, I started losing weight in high school after receiving a comment about eating too much and gaining a few pounds during puberty, and I subsequently believed there was something wrong with my body and therefore me as a person.

Food and my diet became the gateway to my self-worth from that day forward, leading to a decade-long a love/hate relationship with food.

As I began to take the focus off of my appearance and instead directed my energy towards who I was as a person for myself and others, what I could contribute to the world, and spent time on things that lit me up, I began to view food differently. It ceased to carry the weight of defining me as a person.

Today, as the result of unraveling the connection of my self-worth to my appearance and my food choices, I’m able to make adjustments to my intake as a means of experimentation while being mindful of detaching my worth from the outcome.

If I want to gain some muscle, I look at food as a source of added fuel. If I want to lose some fat, I ensure I’m filling up on lots of vegetables and become mindful of my snacking. If I don’t have any goals and simply want to spend more free time socializing without much structure, then I tend to eat more food and imbibe more often.  And the number on the scale is just that: a number.

Jessie 5-7 years ago would have lost her damn mind making the choices above. They would have been wrought with anxiety, anger, confusion, and desperation.  Jessie today makes these choices with a sense of ease, calm, empowerment, and detachment.

My self-worth is no longer attached to the outcome of my food choices.

I’ve been in both camps throughout my journey with food and my body, in addition to somewhere in the middle as I healed:

Neurotic and obsessive

Detached and objective in relation to the outcome

We all reside in different stages along the food and body obsession spectrum, and none of our stories or journeys look the same.  Would it be easy for me to look back at the former version of myself and judge her for her neurosis? Yes, absolutely. But there’s nothing superior about the detached and objective mindset I currently maintain.

I worked hard to get here, but I have the utmost understanding and empathy for that former version of myself.

The Judgment

Judging the former versions of ourselves, or women currently in that stage of their journey, is a projection of our own insecurities. Our own self-judgment. Our own wounds we have yet to heal.

As we progress along our journeys of healing our relationships with food and our bodies, it’s easy to analyze and judge the choices of other women. We project our struggles, we project our insecurities, we project our shame. And we assume other women have the same story we do.

“She has to have an eating disorder if she’s that lean.”

“If she’s avoiding alcohol, she clearly has a neurotic relationship with her body.”

“She works out so often – she must be suffering from an obsession.”

“She claims she has food intolerances? That’s a red flag for disordered eating.”

These comments are a projection of our former (or current) selves onto other women. Women we likely know nothing about, and we certainly don’t know the intricacies of their relationships to food and their bodies today. 

Women who live according to the statements above may make those choices from an objective, detached perspective.  With a firm and stable sense of self-worth despite the outcome of those choices.  With a strong sense of self-respect.

Alternatively, women who living according to those statements may, in-fact, be struggling with their food and body obsessions. They may be suffering on a deep level internally, despite the appearance of their outer shell.

Regardless of the current status of their journeys, our role isn’t to judge, to project, or to isolate. Our role is support one another, to empathize with the experience of being a woman in today’s superficial and judgmental society, and to focus on our own shit.

When we feel compelled to judge another woman for her choices, let us first turn inward and ask ourselves what we’re missing.

Do I want that lean body I’m talking shit about?

Am I still struggling to separate my self-worth from my appearance?

Do I envy the discipline that woman is emulating? 

Am I subscribing to a zero-sum mentality, where I believe her beauty detracts from my own?

What part of me is still calling for healing?

We judge others when we’re still judging ourselves, and despite the urge to project our wounds outwardly, the need to separate ourselves from other women won’t cease until we’ve truly reconciled our own internal battles.

That woman we feel tempted to judge may have fought her way through the trenches of food and body obsession and is now able to make choices from a place of peace, intuition, and self-respect.

That woman may also need our empathy, support, and love more than ever as she fights her internal battles.

Our role is to mind our own side of the street, to take inventory of our own internal battles, and to offer love and support to our fellow women while we do the same for ourselves.

Our stories don’t look the same, and we’re all in this together. So let’s leave the judgment behind.

Beneath the Surface - What's Really Causing Your Food & Body Obsession?

I very much believe that a solid and intuitive relationship with food requires a two-pronged approach of 1) a mostly whole foods diet that can benefit from specific macronutrient changes when based on our activity, hormones, genetics, etc. (i.e. the tactical approaches) and 2) an intuitive and mindful relationship with food and our bodies that is rooted in self-respect.

I discussed one of the tactical nutritional approaches, low carb, that really grinds my gears in recent blog posts (here and here), but there is SO MUCH MORE to the story. Those changes can be profound, yes, but unless our internal landscape is receiving just as much focus and attention, we won’t feel differently on a deeper level. Which is what we’re really seeking once we peel back the layers.

In fact, many women find that they don’t need to change anything about their diets or bodies at all – the internal work is what’s been calling for their attention.

Our often-tumultuous relationships with food and our bodies can be rooted in a myriad of past and present traumas, stressors, and/or projections. Some examples include the need to exercise control, low self-esteem or perceived lack of worthiness, past or current trauma or abuse (physical and/or emotional), a lack of presence in life, a disconnection to our physical bodies, and a lack of connection to others. 

What do all of these have in common?

They’re internal. And rather than address the root cause of our disordered and unhealthy relationships with food and our bodies, we resort to food as a means of distraction. It’s our magic pill for instant relief from what’s really calling for our attention, usually by way of over or undereating or a similar relationship with exercise.

This often occurs without us being aware of the connection. When my obsessions with food and my body began at the age of sixteen, I had no idea that I was using them as a coping mechanism for feeling self-conscious and unworthy. 

It takes effort to hone in on the root cause of our pain and discomfort – it requires space and reflection, and this can be incredibly uncomfortable in the beginning. Our brains often default to the easy route of deflection.

Overtime, however, we can learn to use the arrival of these thought patterns to our benefit.

When I find myself starting to critique my body or obsess over my food, it’s a clear sign that something is calling for my attention internally.

What am I ignoring?

What am I failing to acknowledge and feel?

Do I simply need to slow down and spend more time connecting with myself and the present?

Do I need to confront issues in a relationship?

Do I need more time in nature?

Am I surrounding myself with people who aren’t supportive and growth-minded?

Once we dig into the answers to these questions, it becomes clear that our food and bodies aren’t the issues. They never have been.

For example, if we’ve gained weight throughout our lives due to being disconnected from our bodies and subsequently eating as an emotional coping mechanism, the food wasn’t the issue. Neglecting the emotional turmoil, failing to connect to the present and our bodies, and masking our pain or discomfort was.

How do we identify what is really calling for our attention?

1. Slow Down & Get Grounded in the Present – mindfulness is a non-negotiable here. Before we can identify patterns, we need to find a way to connect with ourselves internally, in addition to our bodies and the physical world around us. Meditation is a great way to do this, but getting outside in nature or even spending some time in silence and solitude can be powerful.
2. Journal – We need to take an objective view of what’s going on inside our minds, so start by writing the details of the occurrences of overeating, undereating, obsessing over macros or calories, critiquing your body, or even criticizing the bodies of others. Get as granular as possible, even if you believe the thoughts to be completely unrelated.
3. Connect the Dots – Are you having relationship struggles? Do you hate your job or chosen career? Do you feel neglected or unworthy in a particular relationship? Are you moving through life too quickly? Are you failing to speak your authentic truth? These are just a few examples, but chances are that you’ll find a projection of turmoil, confusion, or neglect in other areas of life onto food and/or your body.

This work takes time and dedication, and I believe it to be lifelong work. We never cease to be challenged in life, and our initial, default reaction may always be to revert to obsession over food and our bodies when our internal landscape is out of alignment.

These thought patterns are often my default reaction, and rather than view them through a lens of disdain and resentment, I choose gratitude.

I’ve become so familiar with these thought patterns that when I identify and observe them, I quickly know that I have some work to do internally. I then follow the steps outlined above.

While this work can be challenging and uncomfortable, especially in the beginning, remember that deflection and avoidance are characteristic of the easy route – a path that allows the initial wound to fester and expand.

Truly looking beneath the surface to the core of our wounds is the work of the warrior. It’s scary shit, and it certainly isn’t easy. But it’s absolutely necessary for change.

What’s bubbling up beneath the surface and calling for your attention?

How to Increase Your Carb Intake & Address Your Fears

Be sure to check out Part I where I discuss some of the signs of a diet too low in carbohydrates and why they’re important.

This can be a touchy subject for some, so if the topic of weight loss or manipulating your diet is triggering in any way, then I don’t recommend reading the rest of this.

Please note that there is nothing wrong with eating in a caloric surplus, and it was completely fine for me at the time and can be necessary for some people when healing their bodies. Reducing my obsession with food and my fear of carbohydrates was more important to me than gaining some weight, so the tradeoff was certainly worth it, as it often is for many others.  

However, gaining weight doesn’t have to occur as part of the process (although it still may), and if I can alleviate some of that fear for women in order to get them to increase their carbohydrate intake, then I will via the information here.

As I noted in Part I of this series, I learned that calories are king when it comes to fat loss. I gained fat when I increased my carbohydrate intake due to an overall increase in calories, not the increase of carbohydrates. I was eating a sufficient amount of overall food before this increase, so when I added the carbohydrates without reducing the quantity of food elsewhere, I was then eating in a caloric surplus. In simplistic terms, I was eating a diet of moderate protein, moderate carbohydrates, and high fat.

I had subscribed to a high-fat, low-carb diet for almost a decade, so I didn’t have a barometer for a moderate or low amount of fat in my diet. It was a macronutrient I didn’t think about previously, as I was under the impression that carbohydrates were the magical ticket to fat loss or fat gain and that dietary fat could be consumed with abandon.

I knew fat has 9 calories per gram and both protein and carbs have 4 calories per gram, but I was still resistant to the validity of calories in vs. calories out determining changes in body composition. As a result, I was still consuming quite a bit of fat in addition to the carbohydrates.

There is nothing inherently wrong with a diet that consists of high amounts of both fat and carbohydrates, as everyone’s bodies, lifestyles, and goals are different. However, the amount of fat I was consuming wasn’t necessary for the function of my body. Additionally, a diet high in fat often leads to consuming a large number of calories with a low volume of food.

Changes to Fat Consumption

I decided to experiment with decreasing my dietary fat intake after I had increased my carb intake to a sufficient and healthy amount, my body had become relatively weight stable, and my bodily functions were positively consistent (i.e. consistent period, sleeping well, stable digestion, performing well in the gym).

I struggled with making these changes during the first few weeks, as I naturally gravitated towards high-fat foods after eating in this manner for years.  This is extremely common, as we often gravitate towards choices that are habitual and comfortable. However, after doing some research and practicing some awareness, I was able to find my groove with leaner cuts of meat and little to no additional fat intake.

Results of Consuming Less Fat

I learned that I felt less “sluggish” with the decreased fat intake, that the amount I had been consuming previously wasn’t necessary to the overall satisfaction I experienced from meals, and that I didn’t actually enjoy the additional fats I was consuming on a regular basis.

The butter in my coffee? Didn’t miss it, and I didn’t really enjoy it in the first place. The avocado with every meal? Not necessary for me to feel satisfied. Leaner cuts of meat? Not a problem, as fats are used when cooking all components of my meals (i.e. oil or butter being used when cooking vegetables, potatoes, meats, etc.).

However, I did realize that I need some level of fat in every meal in order to feel satisfied and energized. Meals that contain essentially no fat don’t lead to sufficient enjoyment of my meals, and I learned this through experimentation.  This means that a meal of chicken breast needs to include a slice of bacon, sprinkle of cheese, or vegetables cooked in more fat.

I often find the results above to ring true with my clients as well. It’s easy to become so indoctrinated into a way of eating that we don’t pause to consider whether or not we should be open to alternatives. Or that we may feel better and experience more enjoyment from a different approach.

This often translates into clients realizing that they don’t need as much fat in their meals as they thought, especially with the addition of the carbohydrates.

Ways to Experiment

Today, when clients are consuming a high-fat, low-carb diet and they’re already consuming an adequate number of calories, we start with the following (please note that there is certainly nuance to each individual’s circumstances and goals, so these are not hard and fast recommendations).

• Assess their activity level and preferred type of activity – those who partake in high-intensity exercise usually require more carbohydrates, in addition to those who strength train or do weightlifting. Examples of high intensity exercise include Crossfit, Orange Theory, and sprints.

o   Those who partake in long endurance sports, such as running for more than one hour, will often benefit from an increased carbohydrate intake too.

o   Activities like yoga and leisurely walking don’t require much glycogen, so we can get away with fewer carbs.

• Slowly decrease fat intake (if desired) – this might include leaving off the extra fried egg, not adding the avocado, less cheese, less dressing or one with less oil, leaner cuts of meat, or PB2 instead of peanut butter.
• Slowly increase carbohydrate intake – I usually recommend starting with one meal a day due to the fear that often coincides with this, and if you prefer a portion guideline, you can use one cupped handful per meal to start.
• Consume protein in most meals – this is especially true if you’re active. This doesn’t have to be an animal source, but protein should be a component (preferably a main one) of most meals. This contributes to increased satiety and enhanced recovery.
• Assess short-term results and adjust as needed – Start with one change at a time, journal and monitor the results (physical and emotional), and adjust as needed. This might include keeping additional fats in one meal but removing them from the rest or adding an additional serving of carbs to each meal. Everyone is different, hence the reason personalized coaching can be so helpful.
• Assess long-term results – It takes time for our bodies to adjust when making diet changes, so please don’t be alarmed if it takes a few weeks for your digestion to begin functioning optimally.  Hormone changes, specifically the regulation of menstrual cycles, can take several months.  However, changes to sleep, mood, recovery, and athletic performance should occur rather quickly.

There is always nuance in diets and recommendations, so I can’t make specific recommendations for every situation in this post, but this is a general starting point for most people. Experimentation and adjusting based on results is an absolutely necessary part of the process, so don’t expect to nail down the optimal consumption of carbs, fats, and proteins right away.

How does this differ from obsessively tracking foods?  The goal and intent behind making and monitoring these changes is entirely different. We’re assessing our current nutritional choices in an effort to FEEL better, to provide our bodies with adequate and appropriate fuel, and to unlearn the multitude of rules we learned along the dieting road. NOT to exercise control or distract ourselves from uncomfortable emotions and situations.

We should view this as an opportunity to become more in sync with our bodies and to learn about their specific needs.

If this sounds too complicated, too obsessive, or like it requires too much brain power, especially if you’re in a place of wanting to free yourself from food obsession, then please don’t feel like this is a requirement right now. Our journeys to food and body freedom take time. All changes don’t need to occur within a condensed timeframe, and they certainly don’t need to occur simultaneously.

Unlearning all of the diet rules we’ve internalized is a process, and it requires a sufficient amount of mental energy and awareness in the beginning. However, after the initial “relearning” of what our bodies need, we’ll be more in sync than ever before, not to mention better equipped to respond to changes in the future. And we’ll be enjoying a hell of a lot more carbs tooJ

Carbohydrates - Do You Need to Eat More?

Oatmeal is now a mainstay in my diet, particularly before workouts!

I fully believe in releasing neurotic behaviors and thought patterns around nutrition and our diets in order to live at ease in our bodies and fulfill our potential in life, and this often includes paying attention to and/or counting macronutrients (fats, carbs, proteins). However, when working to overcome food and body obsessions, it can be incredibly frustrating to still feel physically unwell despite our best efforts to feel otherwise.

Feeling well physically lends itself to so much more ease around food, as we feel synergistic with our bodies. It reinforces the notion that we’re working in tandem, and it’s incredibly empowering too.

As I worked to overcome my own food and body obsessions, I continued to feel physically unwell despite my best efforts to eat a nourishing diet and listen to my body. I didn’t realize that I was still subscribing to the dogmatic, low-carb approach I was exposed to ten years prior, and my body and mind were paying the price.  While I wanted to pay LESS attention to my diet, I realized I had to pay more attention to my carbohydrate intake.

I was exposed the concept of eating a low carb diet in high school when my parents’ personal trainer told us about the latest and greatest way to shed weight quickly. I had zero concept of nutrition at this point, and he was in a position of authority, so I blindly listened to his advice. Per his recommendation, I was to eat no more than 15 grams of carbs per meal and to eat every 3-4 hours, which typically led to 4-5 meals and 60-75 grams of carbs per day.

During this time, I was also attending group fitness classes at his gym with my family and a few family friends, and all classes were high-intensity in nature. Classes typically included sprints on the rower, jump squats and lunges, battle ropes, kettlebell swings, ball slams, etc. We moved quickly from one movement to the next and had minimal rest, so my heartrate was spiked during the majority of the 30-minute classes.

What were the results of this low-carb diet coupled with a high-intensity exercise regimen?

I lost 10-15 pounds over the course of six months, stopped getting my period completely, experienced severe moodiness, dry skin, brittle nails, poor digestion, awful sleep, an inability to sit down to a meal without overanalyzing its carbohydrate content, and an obsession with completing high-intensity exercise every single day. My ease around food vanished the minute I began this low carbohydrate way of eating.

A few things I didn’t know at the time:

• High-intensity exercise requires glycogen. Our bodies convert the glucose from carbohydrates into glycogen, and this is then stored in the liver or muscles if not immediately utilized.
• Carbohydrates are important to the development of strength and muscle growth.
• A diet too low in carbohydrates can disrupt and/or slow digestion.
• Females tend to be more sensitive to decreased carbohydrate intake, and our hormones often respond in kind. I.e. our periods become irregular or stop completely, as was the case for me.
• A diet too low in carbohydrates can lead to brittle nails, dry skin, poor sleep, and moodiness. I literally turned into a different (often terrible) human-being with zero patience and a short temper, and I had difficulty falling and staying asleep.
• Calories in vs. calories out leads to fat loss. Gary Taubes’ book “Good Calories, Bad Calories” had recently been released, and this touted the notion that calories don’t actually matter for fat loss, which I now know to be false. Macronutrients (carbs, protein, fat) do affect our bodies differently due to a variety of factors, but calories reign supreme in the end when it comes to fat loss.
• Carbohydrates hold water in the body. For every 1g of carbohydrates consumed, the body tends to retain approximately 3g of water. Conversely, reducing carbohydrates in one’s diet leads to a decrease in water retention. As a result, those following a low-carb diet often experience rapid weight loss due to the loss of water.  Which leads me to my next point
• Weight loss does not equal fat loss. It’s common to see the scale drop 5+ lbs. in one week for those new to a low-carb diet, and this is largely due to losing water. For many, this is the incentive they need to continue pushing forward, as they’re under the false impression that all of it is fat. Losing more than 1% of your body weight per week increases the likelihood of losing muscle, so this wouldn’t be an ideal situation anyways.
• Greatly reducing or eliminating one macronutrient often leads to demonizing certain foods and a poor relationship comprised of fear, resentment, and guilt.

It took hours, days, and months of reflection, researching, and experimentation to discover and finally believe that carbohydrates are not the root of all evil for our body composition or health.

I was finally fed up with my fear of carbs and subsequent guilt after eating them, my poor and declining performance in Crossfit, brain fog, low energy, brittle nails, and a missing period, so I decided to start adding carbohydrates back into my diet. I was TERRIFIED of what the results would be, largely due to my fear of gaining weight, but my declining health, poor quality of life, and my tumultuous relationship with food eventually became more cumbersome than the idea of adding some weight to my frame.

During this time, my diet was based on the popular Paleo templates of vegetables, meat, and additional fats. My breakfast usually consisted of eggs, bacon, and greens; my lunch and dinners included vegetables, fatty cuts of meat, and often additional fats like avocado, butter, or nut butter. I enjoyed the occasional sweet potato with dinner, but that was the extent of my carbohydrate intake.

I started adding a small serving of carbohydrates to each meal, such as a cupped handful of rice, potatoes, or sweet potato. I enjoyed oatmeal before my workouts, and I often had a post-workout smoothie that included fruits. I was eating more carbohydrates than I had been in ten years, and the rest of my diet remained fairly consistent.

The Results

Within a few weeks I had gained 5 pounds, and I stopped stepping on the scale after that point. I began to mull over the potential reasons for the weight gain. Was it water weight? Was I actually gaining fat? Would it stop or would it continue? I didn’t know the answers at the time, but I kept trucking along in hopes that my body and weight would stabilize.

My fear and guilt around carbs had also lessened significantly by this point, and I wasn’t willing to give up my newfound ease around these foods for the sake of the scale. However, I knew in the back of my mind that there would be a tipping point for my weight gain, and I would likely adjust my diet again if my weight crept up to a point where I was no longer comfortable. I didn’t place a number on this, but the sentiment was lurking in the back of my mind. Still, I continued with my experiment.

While I still didn’t step on the scale again until a year later, my weight eventually stabilized around three months later as evidenced by the way my clothes fit. I would estimate a total weight gain of ten pounds. Some of this was water, and some of it was fat.

Six months after my initial increase in carbs, my period returned after being absent for two years. This was a HUGE win for me, and I decided in that moment that I would never return to a low-carb way of eating again (barring health conditions that warrant this protocol).

As a long-time sufferer of digestive issues, I wasn’t surprised by the bloating I experienced when adding in the carbohydrates. However, this subsided within a few months, and I was utterly shocked by the overall improvement in my digestion after the initial adjustment period. I was no longer experiencing nightly bloating and frequent constipation.

In the gym, I started adding weight to my lifts rather quickly, and this came after I had remained stagnant for many months. I was working hard previously, so it wasn’t for lack of effort, but I simply wasn’t providing my body with the fuel it needed to get through high-intensity CrossFit workouts or build strength. I was able to make it through difficult workouts much more easily with the addition of my new friends, and I got my first pull-up within two months of increasing my carbohydrate intake.

I was finally able to fall asleep quickly and stay asleep throughout the night. Today, shitty sleep is an early sign for me that my carbohydrate intake has dipped too low.

My mood became much more consistent, and that means consistently positive, motivated, and patient. My brain fog began to dissipate, and my nails stopped peeling and got stronger.

Some of these improvements may be attributable to an overall increase in calories.  I can’t say with any certainty due to the lack of data I have from these points in time, as I wasn’t tracking my carbohydrate or overall calorie intake. However, with many of my clients, an increase in carbohydrates with a net-neutral effect on calories has resulted in the same improvements.  This is purely anecdotal though.

As always, nuance and context are very important when it comes to nutrition. For some, a decrease in carbohydrates will be beneficial, whereas an increase might be the key to improving someone’s health and well-being, as was the case for me.

Stay tuned for Part II where I discuss how I recommend increasing carbohydrate intake with my clients, nuanced recommendations, and what I would have done differently myself!

Sleepwalking Through Life? Your Body May Be a Byproduct

Sleepwalking through life is SUCH a common method of existence these days. We put our heads down as we make our way to work, maybe finding ourselves in a job we don’t enjoy, simply because we started on a track long ago based on what we were advised to do.  We study what “they” tell us makes the most sense, we get the practical job, and we follow the cadence of life in the way society deems appropriate.

These may be very authentic and conscious decisions for some, but they can be rather disingenuous for many. As was the case for me.

Many of us aren’t taught to challenge the status quo, to take the road less traveled, to pave our own way, to live a life based on our own rules. We’re taught to put our heads down, to take the “safe” route, and to be grateful for the opportunity to do so. I’m a big believer in gratitude, but we can be grateful for what we have while working towards what we want.

The irony of the safe route is that while it’s dressed in comfort, ease, and acceptance, it may very well be the most dangerous thing we can do. A little piece of us dies while we continue along our journeys of sleepwalking, only to wake up one day and realize that life is simply passing us by. We’ve become bystanders rather than active participants in life.

I was sleepwalking through most of my life, up until I had a brief yet memorable moment on my college campus at the age of twenty-two. As I was walking to class, I was awe struck by the beauty and majestic nature of a large tree. The length of time it took for that tree to grow, the number of people who had previously walked past it, the decades of time it had witnessed. These are some of the thoughts that rushed through my mind during that brief moment in time, and for the first time that I was able to recall, I came out of my daze.

Coincidentally (or not), I stumbled across meditation via Eckhart Tolle shortly after this incident, and my life was forever changed. While there are certainly still times of sleepwalking in my daily life today, I was shaken awake that day and the seed was planted.

As my journey of meditation, self-awareness, and personal growth continued, I noticed that my state of sleepwalking, my love for myself and my body, and my obsession with food all moved in tandem. With sleepwalking came mindless eating, binge drinking, speaking negatively about myself, talking badly of others, and numbing feelings and emotions with food. It also came with adopting opinions that weren’t my own, a lack of boundaries with others, and playing it safe with my career.

The more I focused on increasing my awareness and “waking up”, the more I ate according to hunger signals, identified negative thought patterns and replaced them with loving ones, stopped drinking alcohol in amounts I knew would be harmful to my physical or emotional well-being, started treating others in alignment with my values, and began working towards the woman I knew I really was underneath the layers.

Waking up led to greater alignment with my body, in addition to the energy around me. I stopped fighting what is and started working with it. 

Developing the skill of connecting with our internal landscape in silence is necessary, as it forces us to pick our heads up pay attention to where we are or are not playing active role in life.  My favorite way to ensure I’m staying plugged in and am mitigating instances of sleepwalking is through daily meditation, and I recently reincorporated journaling into my daily morning routine. 

Our relationships with ourselves, others, our bodies, and food will always be moving in tandem with our levels of presence and awareness. Start putting your focus on your daily practice of awakening from the slumber you may find yourself in, as so many of us do, and build a stable foundation of connection to yourself and your body. You’ll likely find your food and body obsessions will naturally begin to dissipate.

Let's Be our Own Ideal

All bodies are different and we’re not made to look the same - what a revelation this was for me. I was caught up in chasing an ideal body for almost a decade, and throughout that time I fully subscribed to the notion that there is only one way to be, look, or show up as a woman. And if I wasn’t emulating that ideal, I just needed to work harder.

Society has painted a lovely picture regarding the “ideal” female body. It’s tall, but not too tall. Thin and lean with muscle, yet not too much muscle (god forbid we look manly or bulky).  Tanned, yet not too dark, and definitely not too pale. Thin yet also curvy at the same time, lest we risk looking like a boy. This perfect body has flawless skin and thick, long hair, yet this only applies to the hair on our heads and eyebrows. Otherwise, hairless.

These are just the physical attributes, let alone how we’re expected to behave and present ourselves.

The interesting thing about this ideal is that it’s ever-changing.  For a few decades, Twiggy and Victoria Beckham had the ideal bodies with their waif-like figures, and the current trend is having a “toned” and curvy body with a small waist and noticeable ass. Being thin is not enough; we have to have muscle too.

The bodies so many of us spend our time chasing are trends. Similar to hair or fashion trends, body trends come and go. Yet despite the transient nature of these ideals, we chase them in hopes of validating our worth.

But what happens when that trend shifts or disappears entirely? Does our self-worth go out the window along with it?  Marilyn Monroe was once revered as the sexiest woman on the planet, but a decade later during the Twiggy era, she likely would have been considered overweight. And Twiggy’s waif-like figure would likely be deemed too skinny by today’s standards. She’d be pressured to pack on some muscle because “strong is the new skinny”, right?

What if, instead of trying to mold ourselves into these fleeting and superficial ideals, we simply focused on our own bodies. Our bodies that are amazingly unique in so many ways. Bodies that fluctuate and inhabit various levels of body fat and muscle, both in comparison to others and to previous versions of ourselves. What if we understood and accepted that we aren’t in fact designed to look the same?

The pressure would be off, and we would be able to focus on what works for our lifestyles, our priorities, our goals, and most importantly, what works for and with our own bodies. We would no longer be chasing what our neighbor, sister, best friend, or the hottest celebrity has. We would be in our own lanes, focusing on our own unique lives and bodies, with the understanding that replicating someone else is literally impossible.

I spent so many years of my life wishing I was just a few inches shorter due to being taller than almost everyone growing up, meaning I actually wished I inhabited another body. While I now love my 5’ 10.5” height, it took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that this physical attribute of mine is never changing. Ever. So why would I waste another minute of my life worrying about it?

Now that I have made peace with my body (most days), I don’t ask her to be anything other than what she is. I wouldn’t dare ask that of anyone I love, so why would I do that to the vessel that will carry me through this life? Especially after all of the shit I have put her through?

A funny thing happened when I finally decided to be on the same team as my body, and I actually talk to her as if she is one. I began to celebrate my body’s unique qualities, started to celebrate the differences in others, and I reveled in the fact that we’re all amazingly different.

During the times when I notice physical attributes on other women that I wish were my own, I bring my attention back to my own body; my home. I remember that I get to define my own ideal, and it’s the body I already have.

At the end of the day, we have two choices: to spend our days chasing something we’ll never have and that wasn’t ever meant to be ours in the first place, or we can choose to double down on ourselves and be our own ideal.

What Travel Has Taught Me about Food, Exercise, and My Relationship with My Body

I'm not typically a fruit person, but that was often the only option in El Salvador. Gotta go with the flow!

I returned from El Salvador a few days ago, and as is often typical for me when traveling, I learned more about my relationships with food and fitness. In addition, many of the lightbulb moments I experienced during my backpacking travels and while living at home with my parents a few years ago were reinforced.

When I was backpacking in Southeast Asia four years ago and while living with my parents for the summer after I graduated college, I wasn’t focused on losing fat or gaining muscle. I was determined to learn how to listen to my body, to enjoy the local cuisines, to workout to move my body when it called for it and for some alone time, and most notably, to do some serious inside work.

I wanted to improve my damaged relationship with food, and I realized that the extreme manipulation of my intake by way of restricting carbs wasn’t working. Rather, I decided to attempt to eat based on fullness and hunger cues and to understand what my body was asking for in the moment (I say “attempt” because learning to tap into this was difficult after ignoring my body for so long, so I knew it would take time); all while working to create a balance of making my body and mind feel good while participating in life. And amazing food is a very enjoyable part of life for me.

I was purely focused on my behaviors, mindset, and learning to finally connect with my body; not physical outcomes.

In Southeast Asia, most of the local cuisines are dominated by vegetables and white rice with scant amounts of meat, coconut milk (hello, curry), and the occasional baked good. I was on a serious budget, so we didn’t often partake in Western foods, and most of my diet consisted of fresh, unprocessed foods during those three months.  I definitely missed my meat at almost every meal that I was accustomed to, and I was eating far more carbohydrates than I was used to with less fat. Essentially, my diet was the opposite of the low-carb, paleo diet I had been adhering to for a few years.

A similar situation had occurred right after I graduated college and moved home to New Mexico to live with my parents before starting my full-time job in Denver. I participated in walking and yoga instead of HIIT workouts, I only started to eat when hungry and stop when satisfied, and I ate what sounded appealing to my body instead of my mind. Mind you, that was often whole and unprocessed foods, but I didn’t restrict myself if I really wanted something.

I didn’t expect my body to respond the way it did during either of these times in my life. I was incredibly perplexed by how I was able to lose weight without consciously trying to do so.

After returning from Asia, I reflected on what was different during both of these times in my life, and I tried connect the dots. How was I able to lose weight in such a calm and stress-free way and without even trying?

1.     Natural Eating Behaviors Based on Body Cues: I focused on eating behaviors; those we’re naturally inclined to emulate when we’re tuned in and listening to our bodies. This included honoring hunger cues, stopping when satisfied and “energized” (rather than full and lethargic), and eating foods that made me feel well both mentally and physically the majority of the time. No food was off limits though, with the exception of dairy due to my intolerance, and I worked with what was available to me at the time. I didn’t follow any food rules; the only goal was to tune into what my body was saying and follow through with the best of my ability at the time.

I want to emphasize that this was very much a learning process, and it’s one that I still have to revert back to when my eating behaviors become chaotic. There are still times when I eat out of boredom rather than hunger or overeat, and during my time in Asia, the food was often so delicious that I ate beyond the point of satisfaction. The major takeaway is that these were exceptions rather than my consistent behaviors, and I simply moved on after it happened.

2.     Not Having a “YOLO” Mentality: The more common definition of “you only live once”, anyway. It’s so easy to dive head-first into the YOLO mentality, which for many means going balls-to-the-wall with all food and drink. My definition is different. Yes, I only live once, so my goal was to learn how to enjoy the foods I want while also feeling great and not stressing about food. I wanted to learn to live my life to the fullest, which meant reducing food and body stress as much as possible.

Furthermore, I don’t want to spend my life feeling lethargic, overly full, hungry, nor deprived. So a balanced approach was best for my priorities and goals. Eating healthy foods that make us feel great most of the time doesn’t make us bores, and it certainly doesn’t mean we’re not living life to the fullest. In many cases, it can mean the exact opposite. However, there’s a fine line between subscribing to neurotic and controlling food regimens under the guise of “clean eating” and actually listening to what our bodies are asking for.

3.     Less Alcohol, but This Doesn’t Have to Mean None: I was also working on my relationship with my extreme drinking habits during these times in my life. I never had the intention of removing alcohol completely, and I still don’t! I love myself some red wine and a marg. But these times consisted of far less alcohol than I was consuming previously, and in doing so, my sleep was better, which led to decisions that were more closely aligned with my body’s signals. I find it to be rather difficult to listen to my body with a hangover or while drunk – anyone else? Of course, this led to fewer calories being consumed too.

I rarely drank alcohol while in Asia, but I had a glass of wine almost every night when living at home with my parents. This illustrated that there isn’t just one ideal approach or diet, and there’s a lot more flexibility in preferences than any “plan” out there will lead you to believe. I can actually make my own rules? Mind. Blown.

4.     More Movement, Less Exercise: I love intense exercise. Like really, really love it. I find it to be a lot of fun, a great mental and physical outlet, and an avenue for personal growth due to the challenge. But I really slowed down during these times. While at home with my parents, I only partook in walking the dogs and mellow yoga classes. While in Asia, I walked a LOT while exploring the city, and I sprinkled a few body weight and short jogs in throughout my weeks. In both scenarios, I also enjoyed many days of being mostly sedentary.

This was a big change for me, and I really had to practice relinquishing control over my intense exercise habits. I noticed my body feeling so much more at ease, less stressed, and my hunger signals were eventually more consistent and clear. It became evident to me that my body loses fat much more easily when I’m partaking in low-stress movement over intense exercise while coupled with a caloric intake that will facilitate weight loss (i.e. consuming fewer calories than I’m expending). Note that my caloric deficits were unintentional at the time, hence my confusion with the weight loss.

Intense exercise is still a huge love of mine, but I don’t do much of it if I’m wanting to get back in touch with my body, have poignant stress elsewhere in my life, my body starts showing signs of hormone imbalance, or if I’m wanting to lose some fat. These times taught me that we don’t have to do the same kind of movement or exercise all the time, and our bodies may actually flourish with the ebbs and flows.

5.     Calories Matter, and I Can Eat All Foods: After subscribing to a low carbohydrate diet for almost a decade (when I wasn’t drunk or hungover), it was very powerful for me to experience fat loss while consuming diets with low protein, higher carbs, and medium-range fat intake. While these amounts are relative, and I wasn’t counting anything during these times, the point is that these times jolted me out of my dogmatic approach to macronutrients.

I had previously believed that carbs were the devil and the source of all fat gain, so gaining first-hand experience with the opposite being true was mind-blowing. It shed light on the truth I so sternly fought before: calories really do matter for fat loss. I started to reconsider other dogmatic approaches to health, diet, and fitness I was subscribing to. I still surprise myself to this day by uncovering something I blindly accepted as truth!  We need to question our biases always.

6.     Habitual and Emotional Relationships to Food: When I was in Asia, I became aware of my attachment to wine and dark chocolate. I didn’t need either of them, but they were readily available previously, so I often didn’t give my consumption a second thought. When living at home with my parents, I became much more aware of my excessive drinking habits from college.

Whenever I travel, I notice new emotional or habitual relationships with food or exercise I wasn’t aware of previously. My habits with foods are always changing in response to my ever-changing priorities and lifestyle, and it’s easy for me to start functioning on autopilot when I’m consistently in the same routine or environment. While all of these habits are fine to have, it’s important to ensure I’m participating in them consciously.

7.     Mindfulness Is King: this was my primary focus during both of these periods in my life, and without developing the skills to get in touch with my body and mind through meditation and journaling, I wouldn’t have been able to lose weight or learn anything as a result. Without mindfulness, I wouldn’t have been able to bring awareness to my habit of overeating, my propensity for eating out of boredom, how to tap into what my body was craving, feeling whether or not my body needed movement, exercise, or rest, and what foods/drinks I had emotional connections to.

None of these are negative in a vacuum, but I was operating in a mode of “sleepwalking” most of the time, so bringing awareness into the picture changed many of my nutrition and fitness habits inadvertently. It forced me to consciously interact with my body, and if I was overriding any signals, I was doing so in full awareness.  

My recent travel excursion to El Salvador reinforced these lightbulb moments I had years ago, yet I learned something new during this trip, too. This trip highlighted my habitual consumption of coffee and dark chocolate. These very much fit into my current personalized eating framework, my Balanced Baseline, but it’s always useful to assess and be aware of my relationships with various habits, foods, drinks, and exercise habits. Do I really want the coffee and dark chocolate, or are they items I mindlessly consume out of habit?  Results: I really want themJ

Travel can be an extreme source of food and exercise anxiety for many, as it used to be for me. But it really doesn’t have to be that way! Rather, I recommend using these times of being out of our routines as opportunities to observe tendencies to grasp for control and to bring awareness to our relationships with our nutrition and exercise habits.

I want to highlight that I had to experience many of these concepts twice for them to begin to stick. I lived at home with my parents in 2011, and I backpacked in 2014, so there were a few years of pushing everything I had originally learned into the back of my mind. Looking back on those times, I really wasn’t ready to make the changes in 2011 due to conflicting priorities. And that’s ok! Partying and socializing were my focus, and I had to navigate and better understand various other aspects of my life before committing to tackling my relationships to food and my body. I have also neglected or ignored these concepts many times since I brought them to light in 2014.

Undoing years of food and body negativity and stress isn’t accomplished overnight, and it can even take years (as was the case for me). This is all a journey, and it’s one that is never-ending. If there is one thing you take away from this post, please don’t beat yourself up for not being where you want to be.  One step at a time, when it feels right for you, and when you’re truly ready.

It’s worth mentioning that I consider “travel” different from “vacation” most of the time. For me, travel is focused on obtaining a cultural experience, and I’m often on the move to explore the particular location. Vacation, however, is more focused on relaxation or spending time with a particular group of people. For example, visiting my family during the holidays, going to a friend’s bachelorette party, or going to the beach for a few days with the expectation of being relatively sedentary and enjoying a few more cocktails are what I consider vacation. I still strongly advocate for awareness in the context of a vacation, but the priorities may be different.