The Myth of Perfection and How to Challenge our Fear of Failure

Within the last month, I have experienced a few public moments of failure that sent me into a tailspin of self-doubt and a serious ego-trip. One was in a team CrossFit competition a few weeks ago when I didn’t perform as well as I had anticipated during one of the movements. The other was last week, when I made a few mistakes during a presentation to business leaders in my corporate job. Now that I’ve had some time to process those events and talk to a few people about my reactions to them, I’m able to reflect on these opportunities for growth and more clearly understand my responses to them.

It has also become quite clear that we all struggle with this on some level.  After divulging my own stories, several of my friends and family members have subsequently shared their own about the need to be perceived as perfect, and most of them revealed that they either avoid the situations altogether or they self-sabotage so they don’t have to publicly display their “imperfection.”  For example, one friend purposely performed poorly during soccer tryouts her senior year of high school, because the stakes were so much higher, and she didn’t want to fail according to the higher standard.  She would rather not play at all than have to demonstrate that she wasn’t the best. Another is currently afraid to quit a job she hates, because the people in her social circle might view her as a failure in the difficult industry she’s in.  Another avoids asking out the girls he’s interested in, because he assumes he’ll be perceived as just another guy hitting on them and will be rejected. Another is hustling so hard to achieve the perfect body and can’t reveal that to others, because she needs her self-image to be perceived as confident and effortless. All of us are plagued by the need to be perceived as perfect in some way.

I really don’t enjoy not being good at things, and I don’t know anyone who does. So many of us have been programmed to believe that we must be perfect or we’re not enough.  Based on my conversations with others, the reason behind this commonly held belief varies based on each person’s specific upbringing, but the responses are very similar. We’re all ashamed to be seen as less than perfect, and our initial reaction is to avoid situations that might reveal our shortcomings.

Using my own recent experiences as examples, I had no interest in competing in the team CrossFit competition, because I knew there would be movements in the workouts I don’t do well and some I simply can’t do.  In regards to my presentation, I have never been a fan of public speaking, and I have never sought out an opportunity to do so. Despite receiving positive feedback after most of my presentations and public speaking engagements, I always get nervous before, and I can’t stand the idea of others potentially seeing those nerves (they usually can’t, but last week they did). Maintaining an image of limited shortcomings seems preferable to actually living my life and experiencing “failure.”  At least this is the mindset I had until a few years ago, and it clearly still needs a lot more work.

Now that the initial sting of publicly displaying a few of my many weaknesses (“opportunities for development,” as we call them in the workplace) has worn off, I am able to understand that my initial reaction of never wanting to put myself in those situations again is not the right approach. In fact, it’s a terrible one. Rather, we can all do the following when faced with these situations:

1.     Talk about our fears, insecurities, shortcomings, stories of rejection, etc. with people we trust. We connect with these parts of each other, not images of perfection. It simply doesn’t exist, so how can anyone resonate with it?  As Brene Brown states, shame needs secrecy and silence to survive, so simply saying these things out loud is immensely helpful. Every time I have shared my personal struggles and fears around failure, the other person has a very similar story, and they certainly have experienced almost identical feelings. One of the great benefits of talking openly about insecurities is the ability for other people to connect with us in a deeper way, and it might be the invitation they’ve been looking for to openly discuss their own struggles too. 

2.     Consider the worst-case scenario: when we’re faced with a situation where failure is an option, think of the worst-case scenario. Imagine yourself failing, being rejected, showing embarrassment, whatever the case may be. And ask yourself if you can survive. I usually get a pit in my stomach at the thought of one of those outcomes, but yes, I will always survive. Chances are you will too.

3.     Intentionally put ourselves into more situations that will require us to face these fears: Once we have determined that we will in fact survive the situation, we need to force ourselves to do the thing that may result in failure. This has been the biggest game-changer for me, because acting in spite of our fears reinforces the belief in ourselves that we can do the things we’re afraid of. Especially when I fail and get right back at it. This creates a positive feedback loop, and the momentum is huge!  It’s a great way to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. 

Staying in our comfort zones and our neat little boxes of what we excel at makes for a really boring and stale life. It's the easy way out, it protects our egos, and it's comfortable, but it's also a sure way to keep us stagnant without any growth.  We'll never reach the level of success we ultimately want if we're paralyzed by our fear of failure or if we don’t know how to continue moving forward despite those outcomes. Additionally, we're doing everyone else around us a serious disservice if we're not willing to show our flaws and the reality of simply being human.  We can't connect with each other's images of perfection, because they're simply not real.

Imagine what would be possible if we all collectively dropped our need to be perceived as perfect. We can’t control others, but we can commit to shattering our own perfected image. A life of imperfect adventure sounds like a hell of a lot more fun to me.

Feeling Like Sh*t After Thanksgiving?

I distinctly remember how the Sunday after Thanksgiving used to feel for me for years.  I was filled with remorse and guilt, in addition to feeling physically unwell, due to excessive amounts of alcohol and processed foods for days on end.  To be clear, there is nothing wrong with having a bit more booze and/or food than usual around the holidays, but I was taking it to a new level. I would polish off several chocolate chip cookies per day, have a large bowl of ice cream at night, eat huge servings of leftovers that I wasn’t remotely hungry for, and tack on whatever other foods were on my “bad” list of foods. This was on top of getting drunk every night and drinking for most of the day.  The worst part of this cycle was the feeling that I couldn’t control it. I would anticipate how I was going to feel by the end of the weekend and felt defeated before the holiday had even started.  Helpless is the best word to describe how I felt. 

The weeks following Thanksgiving were then filled with excessive restriction in an effort to combat my binge-like behavior. I was swinging from one end of the spectrum of extremes to the other; failing to realize the causal relationship between the two. Now I know better. I know that attempting to combat a few days or even weeks of overdoing it by overly restricting will just cause the vicious cycle to continue.  While I am now able to navigate the holidays without overdoing it, I still indulge more than usual (wine is typically my choice over holiday foods). And I occasionally feel the pangs of desire to subsequently restrict as penance for this behavior.  But please take it from me when I tell you that this is the wrong approach. Your relationship with food and your body will only diminish as a result, and you won’t make any physical progress either.  A better approach is to jump right back into our healthy and balanced lifestyles while being mindful of our individual responses to these situations, in addition to a few short-term strategies to assist with feeling great again. 

Everyone reacts differently to overindulgence on a physical level and we typically fall into one of two categories:

1. Becoming a sugar demon (or other intense craving): For some, a few days of indulging in sugar, alcohol, or other processed foods prompts further intense cravings for these. Given that these products are manufactured with this response in mind (i.e. they have a high reward value), this is not an indication of failure or lack of discipline, so please don’t perceive this behavior through a moral lens.  It’s simply a physical response that many of us experience. Are natural, whole foods now unappetizing to you? Are you constantly thinking of when you can have said processed food/drink next? If so, your body and mind have likely been roped into this cycle, and you will need to practice more awareness than usual until these cravings dissipate. Call these cravings out and acknowledge their existence. From here, you can implement more tactical strategies, like grocery shopping and only purchase whole, natural foods, or if your lifestyle primarily consists of takeout, then only purchase meals that consist of whole foods. You will need to make it as easy as possible to make the more nutrient dense choice.
   • Note: Don’t vow to never have a certain food again as a result of overindulging, as this will only lead to a negative relationship with food and you won’t trust yourself around it.  Simply prioritize natural, whole foods for most of your meals (as I hope you’re doing regularly) and these cravings will begin to diminish.
2. Wanting nothing to do with processed foods or alcohol: I tend to fall into this camp, while many of my family members fall into the previous category. My body is sensitive to alcohol and processed foods, so it doesn’t take much to make me feel unwell.  As I prefer to feel great, I will naturally gravitate towards whole foods and tend to avoid the processed foods and booze for a few days until my body is back to feeling like normal.  Admittedly, experiencing this reaction is much easier than the former, as it simply requires listening to our bodies and acting accordingly.

Aside from bringing awareness to our individual responses to overindulgence, I use a few easy strategies that assist with getting our bodies back to their balanced baselines.

• Prioritize sleep: For those of us who experience terrible sleep as a result of too much booze or processed foods, we need to do our bodies a favor and assist with the recovery process. Poor sleep also increases the hormone responsible for increased hunger and decreases our satiety hormone, so hitting the hay early will lend itself to making better choices too.
• Stay hydrated: dehydration due to alcohol, travel, or sugar leads to low energy, poor sleep, and contributes to cravings.  There is no need to overdo it with this; simply get back into your usual water habits and be mindful of your thirst.
• Pay attention to carbohydrate consumption: carbohydrates hold more water in our bodies than protein and fat do, and this contributes to the post-holiday bloat many of us experience. Even one day of fewer carbohydrates will aid with ridding our bodies of this excess water.  Note: I do NOT recommend “no” carbs here, and this is not an excuse to restrict. If you anticipate this will prompt obsessive behaviors, then skip this one. I simply don’t have carbohydrates with one or two of my meals for one day only, and I then immediately return to my usual balanced meals.
• Get a workout in as soon as possible: This isn’t a form of punishment AT ALL. It may feel more difficult than usual, but I often find that I have some of my best workouts due to the extra fuel. Sweating and getting our heart rates up helps our bodies and minds recalibrate, it demonstrates to our brains that we’re back into our healthy routines, and it’s also an opportunity to use the extra fuel to our advantage.

o   Performing glycolytic activity (those that utilize glycogen from carbohydrates as the primary fuel source) will further contribute to decreasing excess water in the body. Examples include heavy weightlifting, sprints, and HIIT. 

The most important aspect of implementing these strategies is our mindset. We’re not practicing these strategies out of guilt or self-hatred.  Rather, we’re doing them because we care about our bodies and minds, and we want to get back to feeling our best. Here’s to feeling back on top on no time!

Falling in Love with the Process – The Long Game

Whenever we begin a new endeavor related to health, fitness, career, relationships, or personal development, it’s so easy to simply focus on the point of “arrival” and where we believe we need to be.  Having a goal in mind is certainly important, but the process along the way is where the magic happens.  This is where we grow and learn about ourselves, about others, identify our strengths and areas for improvement, and learn how to pivot when things don’t go according to plan.  Which is usually the case. After all, we don’t actually have control over the end result, only our actions and our attitudes.

If we really think about it, the end goal or point of arrival is an arbitrary concept we have in our minds, and we feel as though the work will suddenly cease to exist once we get there.  “If I can just get there, then everything in my life will fall into place.” We work hard to lose weight and get the body we’ve always wanted, and then what?  We have to continue to put in the work to maintain it.  We want the promotion or to start your own business?  Once we get it, we have to work just as hard, if not harder, to stay there.  We want the dream relationship or family?  We have to consistently put in the work to grow together and independently while navigating curveballs in life.  We want to cultivate new meaningful friendships?  We have to continue to show up and put in the effort once the relationships have been established.  If we’re not in love with the process, which is actually where we spend 99.9% of our time in life, then we’re going to be constantly disappointed and focused on the next best thing.

I’ve read and listened to this concept SO many times, but it didn’t really click for me until I found myself wrapped up in starting my own business and needing to reach a certain level of success by X amount of time. And then it dawned on me: what happens when I get there?  I still have to show up in the same way I am now, with hard work and dedication.  Additionally, what am I supposed to do with all of my time until I reach that point, whenever it may be?  Am I going to be ungrateful for my life now until I reach that point, waiting for the days to tick by?  Hell no.  I’m going to focus on what I can do today and learn as much as I can about my work and myself and enjoy the shit out of the process along the way. 

This concept applies so distinctly to goals with our bodies.  We get so attached to reaching a certain aesthetic, only to realize that nothing outside of looking different has actually changed. And now we’re tasked with maintaining a body we may have obtained through hatred, loneliness, low self-esteem, or any other negative emotion. If we’re making changes to our bodies via a miserable process, mentally or physically, then not only are we not going to be able to maintain the results, but we’re going to be just as miserable internally, if not more so, once it’s all said and done. A better approach that is more sustainable and enjoyable is as follows:

1.     Identify what you want to learn and/or gain throughout the process: These items should not be related to anything outside of our control or based on an outcome (i.e. opinions of others, fitting into a dress size, achieving a PR at the gym, etc.) Rather, these need to be intrinsic motivators or factors we enjoy about the actual process. Examples include learning more about our relationship with food, making ourselves uncomfortable in workouts and pushing last limiting beliefs, demonstrating self-respect by putting our well-being first, or simply committing to a challenge.

2.     Detail why the items in Step One are important: becoming clear on the benefits we will experience as a result of the items in Step One is important, otherwise we won’t be able to connect the short-term discomfort we’re bound to experience to the long-term benefits. For example, if I am journaling and practicing awareness with my eating habits because I want to improve and gain a better understanding of my relationship with food, then I will clearly explain via journaling why increasing my awareness of this relationship is important to me. In my case, I wanted to improve my relationship with food because I wanted to free up my time and energy for things I find more important in my life.  Essentially, I wanted freedom from the obsession, and that became my north star when I started to experience doubt, laziness, or discomfort during the process.

3.     Detach from the Outcome: While striving for a specific outcome can certainly be motivating, the outcome is usually outside of our realm of control.  And failing to achieve said outcome can be a source of frustration, self-criticism, and eventually giving up.  We can only control our mindset and our efforts through action, so there is great freedom is letting the rest go. By releasing the outcome and simply focusing on the process, we remove any reason for “giving up,” as we can’t actually fail when the process never ends and we continue to put one foot in front of the other.

4.     Revisit Steps One and Two Over and Over Again: We need to remind ourselves why the process is important to us. It’s easy to lose sight of what we gain throughout the process, as changes and shifts are usually small and often unnoticeable, in addition to them being downright unenjoyable at times.  The process is where the growth happens, and in my experience, growth is uncomfortable 90% of the time (Jessie statistics). So, we need to constantly revisit the details in Steps One and Two.

5.     Re-do Steps One and Two When Goals and Priorities Shift: What we want to learn and gain throughout a particular process is inevitably going to shift at some point. This can be due to shift in priorities, changing interests, or simply needing an additional challenge after experiencing sufficient growth. When motivation starts to wane, even after revisiting the details of Steps One and Two, then it might be time to revise those details.

This mindset is relevant to aspects of life, including physical or aesthetic goals, relationships, career, and personal development.  Want to develop a better relationship with food and your body image?  Or build muscle?  Or work on your relationship with a friend or family member?  Or get promoted at work? Or improve something about yourself? All of these things take time, and the moment we achieve them is simply that: a brief moment in time.  And then we’re on to chasing the next shiny object.  We can’t neglect the journey while in pursuit of our dreams, or we’re essentially missing out on life itself.  While it’s still very much a work in progress for me, I’ve experienced a huge sense of relief and so much more enjoyment from the moment I decided to start relaxing into the process of life and focus on what I can control: my effort and my attitude. 

Strategies for Healthy Eating While Traveling

With the holidays rapidly approaching, travel is inevitable for many of us. And with travel we often feel stressed, out of our routines, and surrounded by a lack of healthy options.  There is certainly something to be said for going with the flow while on vacation or even traveling for work, but we also want to feel great. Who wants to be on vacation or be working out of town while simultaneously feeling like crap?  I sure don’t, and I don’t know many people who do.  The foundation for continuing our healthy habits essentially comes down to focusing on our “why” behind why we do what we do. For me, I want to maintain my healthy habits (for the most part) so that I’m able to show up fully emotionally and physically with my family and friends and to be able to partake in physical adventures. For those who travel for work, your “why” may be so you’re able to show up with your best performance and contribution, or perhaps it’s maintaining a stable foundation of feeling well while you’re out of your routine. Whatever our reasons, we need to become clear on them.

Once our foundations have been laid through becoming clear on why we want to maintain healthy habits, we can implement more tactical strategies.

1.     Do Your Research – Unless you’re traveling out of the country and you’ll really be immersing yourself in a new culture (which I fully support and abide by), then I highly recommend doing some research on healthy options near the location you’ll be staying or working.  I believe in leaving room for spontaneity and new experiences, including food, but also be prepared with healthy options.  I’m a huge fan of Whole Foods for prepared foods and hot bar items, so that’s typically the first place I look for. As a foodie, I also love trying unique places I can’t find anywhere else, so I will look at those second.  Some cities and town are more focused on healthy options than others, so the goal here is to simply do our best, not to be perfect.  Other great choices are chain restaurants with customizable options, like Chipotle. If the only reasonably close options are fast food restaurants, then you’ll know in advance that you may need to pack more snacks.

2.     All About the Snacks – before I leave on any trip, especially those on which I know healthy options won’t be readily available (i.e. small or remote towns, road trips), I make a run to the store and stock up on snacks I know will make me feel great, or at the very least won’t make me feel as awful as fast food will. Most snack items tend to be laden with sugar and fat while low on protein, and these don’t make me feel great in excess. Therefore, I focus on options with more protein with a few of the carb/fat laden choices mixed in.

• Some of my favorites protein options include beef or turkey jerky, Tanka buffalo bites, and deli meat (if there is access to refrigeration)
• Other snacks typically include larabars, RX bars, Justin's nut butter packets, and fruit

3.     Structure Most of Your Meals – As I mentioned in point number one, I fully support being spontaneous, especially if the location, culture, or food is unique or special. However, using that as a reason to constantly eat things that will make us feel terrible doesn’t do us any favors. Especially if we’re traveling for an extended period of time. So, when eating out at restaurants, structure most of your meals similarly to how you do when you’re at home. For me, that means a serving of protein (usually meat), a vegetable, a starch, and I usually get my fat through the cooking oils and/or meat. This is especially true to restaurant meals, as then tend to be heavy handed with oils. There may not be options on the menu that are structured in this way, so asking for modifications will be required in that case. Creating structure around most of your meals (i.e. discipline) will actually create more freedom for you to make less healthy choices sporadically. Discipline equals freedom.

4.     Don’t Strive for Perfection – I can’t provide a detailed plan of eating for anyone, as that goes against what I believe is a healthy (physically and emotionally) and sustainable approach.  And I hope you’re not looking for one. Just as striving for “perfect eating,” back home will backfire, it also will while traveling. If anything, you need to give yourself even more leeway while on the road, not less.

Traveling isn’t always an enjoyable activity, usually when it’s being forced upon us for work (or perhaps family?), but we can always make the best of any situation. There’s no need to stress about eating perfectly or working out every day, but I do want you to put your well-being first. If your energy or mood start to tank, your sleep quality is declining, or you’re experiencing any other form of feeling unwell, then audit your food choices and see where you can make small improvements. Because it’s worth a little bit of extra effort to feel our best.

How to Navigate the Holidays without Stressing About Your Body

The holidays are one of my favorite times of the year. I’m able to see my extended and immediate family who I don’t see often, and everyone is typically in a relaxed and jovial mood.  To me, this season is about quality time (my love language, if you’re familiar with the quiz) with some of my favorite humans, but it wasn’t always that way. I formerly used my Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s holiday breaks as opportunities to eat and drink with abandon. That’s just what you do, right?!  This would leave me with intense anxiety and guilt throughout the entire season, in addition to the months following.

Understandably, the holidays can be a major source of stress for some of us. And if we haven’t developed healthy coping mechanisms, then eating and drinking to excess might alleviate this discomfort temporarily, only to leave us worse off once the season is over by feeling physically and emotionally unwell. Whatever our reason for going off the rails over the holidays (i.e. family drama, finances, relationships, old habits) it’s a futile attempt at solving the root cause and it never results in a positive or fulfilling ending.  Why do we continue to do it, then?

In my experience, it boils down to a few things:

1.     We aren’t aware of an alternative: If we’ve only ever navigated the holidays by going overboard the entire time and subsequently beating ourselves up, and everyone around us acts similarly, then chances are that we haven’t considered an alternative. When we’re surrounded by people who think and act alike, it’s much more difficult to be aware of other options, let alone choose a different path. Consider this your notification that there is, in fact, an alternative.

2.     We don’t know how to navigate the pushback and/or negativity from our family and friends: We may receive resistance from our loved ones (or the random tag-along we don’t know) if we’re opting for more healthy choices (i.e. the popular, “come on, live a little!”), and it can often feel easier to simply succumb to the pressure than stand firm in doing what’s best for us. I remember feeling insecure and overwhelmed about the comments I would receive because I didn’t partake in eating all of my dessert during on Thanksgiving, so much so that I would eat it just to shut everyone up.  Once I learned how to use my words and communicate directly, I started to enjoy a few bites (the amount I really wanted that wouldn’t make me feel awful afterwards) and relayed that I just didn’t want the whole damn pie.  I actually presented my perspective in a much politer tone (**hostility doesn’t usually work here), and that was the end of it. The initial resistance wears off after a few interactions once said pushers realize I’m going to do what I want in the end anyway. So stand firm in your decision!

3.     We approach each party/dinner with an “all-or-nothing” mentality: if we expect to arrive at Thanksgiving or a holiday party and not partake in any booze, dessert, stuffing, (insert favorite unhealthy food here), we’re kidding ourselves. And we’re also setting ourselves up for failure. The idea is to participate and enjoy our favorite foods without going overboard. I recommend choosing a few of your less-than-ideal favorites before you or the guests arrive and choosing to forgo the rest. For me, I prefer to have wine, small servings of the savory and calorie dense foods (i.e. stuffing and green bean casserole), and a small serving of the dessert while filling up on protein and veggies. This means I forgo the bread, most of the appetizers, and huge servings of dessert. Using this approach, I don’t feel deprived at all, but I also don’t feel like shit.

4.     We simply don’t have enough practice in implementing moderation, so we let one perceived misstep ruin our long-term goals: This is a huge one for most people, typically as a result of not utilizing the awareness and strategies described in step three. Or simply not enough practice with either of these. It took me MANY parties and holiday seasons to nail down a consistent practice with moderation, and I had several missteps along the way.  However, I never used one meal of feeling overly full or one day of going off the rails as an excuse to throw my well-being and practice of awareness out the window. We can make the decision to take a better approach at any moment, and beating ourselves up does nothing. Literally nothing.

For some, taking a moderate approach to eating and drinking throughout the holidays is boring and uneventful. To me, this comes down to what one values throughout the season. If someone uses it as an opportunity to indulge in excess, materially or with food/booze, then this entire concept will prove unappealing. However, if one wants to be able to be fully present with their family and friends throughout the next two months without stressing about gaining weight or feeling terrible, I highly recommend considering a middle of the road approach. Moderation isn’t sexy, but it works.

Booze - The Ultimate Love/Hate Relationship

For many of us without an addiction to alcohol, the problem isn’t actually the alcohol but rather the underlying reason we feel the need to overdo it. Similar to why many of us abuse food and/or body obsession. My relationship with alcohol has been up and down since I entered college and binge drinking became a staple in my life, and it took me a long time to find peace with it. I have ping-ponged back and forth with extremes, but my current state of balance involves having a few drinks per week during most weeks, and a few times a year I drink more than I know is good for me.  Is this a healthy choice?  No, alcohol in general isn’t healthy, but there are times that I truly find the process of going overboard and letting loose a good time. And this is a conscious choice, rather than something I feel the need to do. Let me explain what I mean by this and how I arrived here.

I started drinking in high school with my siblings and friends, unbeknownst to my parents of course, but the really heavy drinking didn’t start until college.  It was a time when I was meeting new people, figuring out who I was, enjoying new experiences, and alcohol was a buffer for all of this.  I never really stopped to consider not partaking in it, as it was just “what you did” in college. And I had a lot of fun with it most of the time! But I also had a lot of negative experiences as a result, including blacking out and making poor decisions I was embarrassed about the next morning. Talk about anxiety inducing. This wasn’t just my experience, as everyone I surrounded myself with did the same thing, so once again, I felt that it was just part of the gig.

By the end of my senior year, I was truly burned out from all of the partying. Because of this, it wasn’t difficult for me to move in with my parents back home for a few months while I studied for a big exam, as I was so ready for a calmer lifestyle.  Interestingly, it was during this summer that I realized I had a real love for red wine and would enjoy some almost every night with my dad. We’re talking one glass a night, and maybe two on the weekends.  It was such a liberating feeling to have just one drink and not feel like I was white knuckling it the entire time. I was drinking it because I enjoyed the taste, ritual, and time with my family, not because I needed to feel more comfortable with myself, lack of boundaries, or to escape an aspect of my life.  If I had previously wanted to cut back and only have one or two drinks, it would have felt next to impossible due to social pressures and my own discomfort, and I would have inevitably overdone it.

By the end of that summer, I felt as though I had developed a rock-solid relationship with alcohol and really had it all figured out.  Welp, I was wrong. I moved to Denver with a few of my college friends, and I once again found myself back in the party game. I was in a job I didn’t like working really long hours, so when the weekends rolled around, I went all out with my drinking.  Looking back, I made some amazing friends during this time and don’t regret it at all, but I also knew that I wasn’t really happy deep down. And I truly believe that was the reason I felt the need to have a drink in my hand at all times.  (It’s no surprise that my relationship with food and my body moved in tandem with my relationship with alcohol).  I didn’t consider the notion that meditation, being out in nature, travel, spending quality time with friends, or other sober activities would actually serve me in a much more positive and fulfilling way than drinking or my food/body obsession ever could.

The uneasiness with my drinking and lifestyle was growing quickly, and I didn’t know how to escape the life and environment I had become so accustomed to. As a result, decided I was going to quit my job at the end of 2013 and travel abroad for a few months. Three of my friends joined me, and to my relief, we barely drank the entire time we were in SE Asia.  This would have NEVER happened even one year before. Little did I know that all of them were also looking for a way out of that lifestyle; we just didn’t have the strength or know-how to do it in our usual environments. In fact, one of them had recently started a sober lifestyle that she continues to this day.  It seems a little ridiculous to say that we had to travel across the world to find a way out of our unhealthy habits, but sometimes we need to completely remove ourselves from our usual environments to create space for ourselves. This allowed me to see myself and my life through a neutral lens, and there was no escaping the conclusion that I didn’t like what I saw.

When I returned home to the US, I was doubtful of my ability to hold steady with my new drinking habits and what I wanted them to look like when I arrived back in Denver. Would my friends still want to hang out with me? If not, does that mean they didn’t really like me for me? Would I fall back into my old patterns? What would I do with all of my free time if I’m wasn’t drinking?  That last one is a little difficult to write, but it was such a serious concern at the time. So much of my identity in the States was wrapped up in heavy drinking that I couldn’t conceptualize my life without it. And I hadn’t taken the time to consider what I actually enjoyed in life outside of it.

I was really insecure about my choices when I returned to my social circle in Denver, and I even felt this way around my siblings and extended family. I was known as the girl who was always up for a party, even by my own definition, so they weren’t quite sure what to make of my new lifestyle. In fact, I was so unsure about how to navigate my new lifestyle that I felt as though I had to remove myself from my old one completely.  I really needed to surround myself with people who were seeking a similar path, and this wasn’t because my friends and family were doing anything wrong. It was because I wasn’t secure enough in who I was or my choices.  It felt as though my new energy and motivations were so raw and vulnerable that I had to protect them until they were solidified (i.e. I wasn’t comfortable in my choices yet). I wish I had known how to articulate this to people in my life at the time, but I barely understood what was happening myself. All I knew was that I needed out.

As I removed myself from my party lifestyle, I spent a lot of time alone, in nature, and with very close friends. It was exactly what I needed for myself until I was able to draw boundaries, and once I was stable in what I wanted for myself and what I needed from others, I was ready to branch out again. I made new friends and connected with old ones, and most of my former stress about drinking had dissipated. I was now able to be social while only have one drink, leave parties early, confidently tell others that I wasn’t drinking that night, or do whatever I needed to do for myself at the time. However, I still struggled with the times I did have a few drinks too many (meaning I had a hangover).  Did this mean I wasn’t being true to myself again? Did this mean I was slipping back into old patterns? These were the questions I asked myself.

I sat with these questions for a long time, and I realized that my relationship with alcohol is exactly as I treat my relationship with food and exercise.  It’s one that I get to define, and as long as my emotional and physical health are at the forefront consistently, then consciously making the choice to go overboard now and then is perfectly fine for ME.  The key differentiator between my choice to overdo it previously vs. now is the fact that it’s a conscious decision I’m making. It’s never something I feel the need to do, and I don’t feel like someone or something else is making the decision for me. As a result, I no longer beat myself up about it the next day, and that in itself has been a huge relief.

I learned quite a few things about myself as I navigated my complicated relationship with alcohol, and my hope is that these can be beneficial to others who are struggling with their own.

1.     Be Open and Honest: Be open and honest about your desire to change your habits with friends and family and explain why the change is important to you. I failed miserably with this one, and it made things much more difficult. I was a very poor communicator at that time, and I didn’t think others would hold space for what I was feeling. Who am I to make that decision? I should have given them all of the information and then allowed them to respond accordingly. This of course leaves two options in regards to their responses: being supportive or being unsupportive.

2.     Audit your Social Circle and Support System: After explaining why you’re making a change, if they’re still not supportive of your decisions, then distance may be necessary. People often criticize those who are making choices in the interest of improving themselves, because it highlights the fact that they may not be doing the same. Essentially, they’re projecting their insecurity onto you**.  Discovering that some of our relationships are conditional (i.e. they only support us when we’re doing what they want us to do) can be really hurtful, but distancing ourselves or removing these relationships entirely creates space for new, positive and supportive ones.

**I can identify this so easily now with new people I meet.  If I’m in a situation where most people are drinking heavily and I’m not drinking or am only having one or two, I receive negative comments from the people who are insecure about how much they are drinking.  Those who are secure in their own choices never harass or criticize me, and those are the people I want to surround myself with! 

3.     Engage in Positive Activities: As I mentioned earlier, I really didn’t know what I enjoyed to do outside of partying and drinking. Sure, I went to the mountains to ski or go camping, but I started to dread those trips because I knew binge drinking was going to be a huge part of them. I had to learn how to enjoy those things without excessive amounts of alcohol or none at all. Additionally, I had a TON of time on my hands now that I wasn’t out at the bars until 2am and subsequently useless the next day with a hangover.  I started spending more time in nature by hiking, skiing, and camping, and I enjoyed more quality time with friends in town.  I even started working out on the weekends, as I was no longer feeling like death. (huge win!) This is one of the biggest reasons I wanted to stop drinking so heavily – I didn’t want to continue wasting my life away being drunk or hungover.

4.     Don’t judge others for their choices. I was guilty of this in the beginning, for sure, and this was most certainly due to my own insecurity with my choices. Due to not adhering to suggestion number one above, I reacted defensively to negative comments and developed a “high horse” attitude. “If they’re going to criticize my choices, then I’m going to criticize theirs.” Really mature, I know. But just as we deserve unconditional support from my friends and family, they deserve the same. We’re all on our own paths, and I’m certainly not in a place to tell anyone else how they should be living their lives. If they’re happy, then I’m happy (barring any serious addiction/issue here, of course). I now have friendships with people who drink heavily, and neither of us criticize the other for our choices. I truly never thought that was possible.

5.     My relationship with alcohol directly translated to my relationship with my body. I don’t believe the alcohol was the cause here, but I was mistreating my body via booze and food due to unhappiness, living in an inauthentic manner, and a negative self-image. When I realized I had the power to create the life I wanted and to show up as I am, my entire world changed. And my relationships with alcohol and food followed suit as I described here.

There are a lot of things I could have done differently as I navigated and continue to navigate my ever-changing relationship with alcohol, but I have learned a hell of a lot in the process. And I’m grateful for all of the lessons. It taught me to stand up for myself and create boundaries, to be open and honest with loved ones, to give others the benefit of the doubt, to accept myself and others right where we are, to create space for myself and others to grow and evolve, and that it’s OK to put myself first and do what’s best for me, despite what others might think. I certainly don’t have all of the answers, but I’m so happy I decided to finally make a change for myself.

It's Never About the Food

Me and my travel buddy best friend in thailand in 2014

We all have a different story that brought us to a negative and unhealthy relationship with food, exercise, or body image, and uncovering the roots of where these attitudes are born is KEY in making a shift.  My relationship with food, exercise, and my body has changed in direct congruence with perceived amount of control I had over my life, my happiness, and how authentically I was living at the time. This didn’t become clear to me until I reflected on the times when I naturally ceased to obsess about food and exercise and treated my body with a new level of respect and care. To explain how I arrived at this conclusion, I'll walk you through my evolution.

As a teenager, controlling my food intake and exercise regimen provided me with a sense of control.  I was insecure and overwhelmed, so obsessing about my appearance, food, and exercise was my outlet.  In college, I again turned to obsessive behaviors about food and exercise because I felt a huge lack of control and balance in my life, and I didn’t feel as though the extreme nature of my drinking was making me happy (this didn’t stop me, however, so it stayed with me through the duration of college).  During the first few months post-college, when I was studying for my CPA exam at home in Albuquerque, NM, it was the first time I implemented a daily meditation practice and really focused on my personal development. Naturally, my eating habit regulated. I never overate, only ate when hungry, and I focused on movement over exercise.   When I returned to Denver, my partying lifestyle resurfaced, and I once again used controlling food and exercise as a way to try to find balance.

When I quit my first corporate job in public accounting and decided to backpack with girlfriends in Southeast Asia for several months, it was the first time I took a step towards creating the life that I wanted. My inclination to control my food and have a strict exercise regimen melted away just as it had when I was living at home after college.  When I returned home, I reflected on how my relationship with food and exercise had ebbed and flowed throughout my life at that point, and I was searching for the common threads.  It became clear that obsessing about food and exercise was both a coping and control mechanism, and I turned to unhealthy behaviors during times when I wasn’t living an authentic or balanced life.  Presently, I can sense when something is out of alignment in my life, because my mind will return to those negative and unhealthy thought patterns.  It’s a crystal-clear sign that I need to do some internal work when this happens.

Our relationships with food, exercise, and body image are often a reflection of misalignment within.  If we’re not living a life that is authentic to us and are searching for happiness outside of ourselves, we will rely on a form of escapism.  For me and so many women, this is an obsession with food and exercise, but it can manifest as overeating, binge watching TV frequently, excessive drinking, drugs, dependency on others, etc.  When we feel the desire to reach for these, it’s an opportunity, a calling even, to uncover what is truly making us unhappy.  Once we determine what that is, we usually have two options: change our actions/situation or change our attitude/perception.  For example, when I realized I was miserable in my public accounting job, I wasn’t able to leave right away, but I decided to start saving money and made a plan to quit and travel internationally by the end of the year.  And in the meantime, I enjoyed the relationships I developed at work and continued to put my best foot forward. I made a plan to change my situation and actively monitored my attitude at the same time.

Our negative relationships with food, exercise, and body image can be great teachers if we let them, but we have to be willing to take responsibility for our situation and put in the hard work.  Looking within to identify the root cause isn’t always easy, but it is SO worth it. We can’t solve our internal struggles with external solutions.  So, where do we begin if we’re not quite sure where these thoughts and feelings are coming from?

1.     Journal.

Start by asking yourself questions related to your thoughts patterns and habits. If you’re struggling with body image, what are you hoping to gain when you obtain the “perfect body”? Is it admiration and approval from others? If you have an obsessive relationship with food, in what situations do you feel most tempted to restrict or obsess about your food intake and what are the related emotions? If you struggle with overeating, excessive drinking, or always reaching for foods that are terrible for you, what feelings are you running from or trying to solve by reaching for food, excessive booze, overeating, binging, etc.? If you tend to over-exercise, are you using this as a coping mechanism for feelings you’re avoiding, even when you know it’s just harming your body more? Or are you using it as a control mechanism?

2.     Witness Without Judgment.

Allow the answers to these questions be a stream of consciousness and see what comes up **without judgment***. This part is extremely important!  I remember coming face to face with feelings I had been suppressing for a long time, and it was overwhelming in the beginning. This is a constant practice for me when I uncover subconscious feelings, and I find it really comforting to know that this is just a normal part of any healing process.  But we need to continue to call this shit out, as uncomfortable as it may be.

3.     Consciously Choose New Thought Patterns and Behaviors.

Now that we have identified the feelings, thoughts, and/or situations that are manifesting as poor body image or negative relationships with food or exercise, we need to decide what actions or changes to our thoughts we can make to remedy the root cause. For example, if I have determined that I don’t like my body because I’m worried about not being good enough in the eyes of other people, then I will list out all of the qualities about myself that I like that have nothing to do with my appearance.  Celebrate these! I will also list out the qualities of myself that I’m not particularly fond of (still, nothing to do with appearance) and select one to work on. I HIGHLY recommend you choose one action or thought pattern to work on at a time, as this exercise can quickly become overwhelming and you may be tempted to throw in the towel before you really begin.

It’s also tempting to use the results of this exercise as a reason to berate yourself even more, and I’ve been there. However, every single one of us has things we need to work on to better ourselves, and I don’t believe this process ever ends. So, doing this work from a forgiving and loving place makes the process infinitely more enjoyable.

What does this look like in practice? When I was traveling in Asia, I really had to come to terms with my internal struggles and how they were manifesting through issues with my body.  I journaled my ass off and realized that I didn’t have healthy emotional boundaries with many (if any) people in my life (a root cause).  This lack of boundaries created emotional chaos for me and I felt like I always had to prove my worth in relationships. As a result, I was trying to control everything about my diet and exercise routine to allow for some form of consistency in my life, and I also thought I would finally feel worthy if I looked perfect. An internal struggle I was trying to solve with external means. I decided to read as much as I could get my hands on about creating healthy boundaries (this article was a huge help), and I slowly started creating boundaries with people in my life. It was uncomfortable at first, to be sure, but I started to feel so much more secure in my relationship with myself, and therefore others, as a result.  This was just one piece of the puzzle I needed to work on at the time, but I noticed an immediate shift in my need to control my food and exercise.

Realizing our struggles with food, exercise, and how we view our bodies don't actually have anything to do with our bodies is simultaneously terrifying and liberating. We cling so tightly to our thought and behavioral patterns that the idea of letting them go can be really uncomfortable. However, there is also great freedom in realizing that we have the power to change these relationships and our reality by turning our attention inward and doing the work.  A friend once told me, as we discussed how overwhelmed we were by everything we needed to work on within ourselves, "Doing work on ourselves is the some of the most challenging work in life but also the most important and rewarding." I realize I'm only 28, but so far I agree. And I certainly believe this to be true when it comes to healing our relationships with food and our bodies.